Progress by 107yearoldvirgin, M-Ś

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Progress: The Original Sleep Humper Love Story by 107yearoldvirgin
A BxE debacle of epic proportions. "There's no real diagnosis. He's what we affectionately call a 'sleep
humper'." Sometimes love is just plain awkward.
Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
~Mute Math (Progress)
Chapter 1
Waking up to that sound every morning was enough to make a girl go completely insane. I rolled over
and pressed my pillow firmly over my ears, willing the disturbing noises to die down. Opening one
eye slightly, I checked the time on the clock: seven forty five.
It would be over in ten minutes if I could just wait it out.
A loud crash could be heard above the pounding and moaning sounds and I sat straight up in the bed
before I grabbed a shoe off of the floor and flung it at my closed door.
"Seriously! If you're going to have sex in the kitchen before work, the least you can do is not break
my damn dishes!" I flopped back down in the bed and pulled the covers over my head until I heard
the commotion stop.
Every morning, like clockwork.
My roommate Rosalie and her bumbling boyfriend Emmett would have some sort of weird loud sex
in a corner, or open space, of our apartment. My other roommate Alice and I had learned to wait
until after eight to emerge so that we wouldn't have any more unfortunate incidences like the one
last Halloween.
I would never be able to watch Some Like it Hot ever again after walking in to see Rose bent over the
HappyplacehappyplacehappyplaceImutteredasIgotuptobrush my teeth. I had learned to
shower before bed now, too. Getting into the tub after their morning shower sex session was always
a crapshoot. You never knew what you'd find in there.
I cracked the door and poked my nose out. "Put on your clothes, skanks. I'm walking into the
When did our apartment become such a danger zone?
Walking stealthily into the kitchen I threw my hands up in defeat. "Emmett! How many times have I
told you that boxer briefs don't count as clothes around here. For godsake, man. I have been looking
at your frank and beans for ten years now. Its time to put them away."
Rose slipped back into the kitchen and sat on Emmett's lap as he finished his toaster strudel. She was
nuzzled up into his neck as he bit into the middle of the pastry. "Why the hell is it always still frozen
in the middle?" he yelled before shoving the entire thing into his mouth.
I poured my orange juice and sighed. "You two really are disgusting. It smells like cornflakes, or
cheerios or some shit in here. Like sex and ass. Not exactly what I want to wake up to in the morning
before I face my day of whiners and complainers."
Rose turned to look at me and shook her head before pointing to Emmett. "Don't bite the hand that
feeds you, dumbass." Emmett just smiled a cocky grin at me in agreement.
Emmett and I worked together. More accurately, we both worked for his father's company, which in
Emmett's mind meant that I worked for
All of us went to High School together after I transferred to Forks High my Junior year. Alice had
taken an instant liking to me and we had become fast friends. She would always say that she had
known that she would find a friend like me one day, and I thought that maybe she was right. I had
moved from Phoenix and didn't really have any friends at all there, so having an instant friend in
Alice had been really nice.
Alice was dating Jasper, of course. They were kind of a package deal; not that I minded because
Jasper was hot to look at and a real sweetheart. I loved him to pieces.
But with Jasper came Emmett, who I had initially hated with every fiber of my being because he was
such an ass to me in gym class.
I am coordinately challenged, and the first time the gym teacher made me play volleyball, I
accidentally hit Rosalie in the back of the head. She and Emmett weren't dating at the time, but they
had apparently been screwing for a while, and he felt protective of her, so he had charged me like he
was going to rip me in half.
Rose had gotten to me first and after she pulled a clump of my hair out, we became quick frienemies.
It had been hard at first to work my way in with all of them. It seems that they had been a group of
five before that summer, and their fifth had been sent away by his parents. They didn't speak of him
much, but every once in a while I would hear a story about the elusive 'E' that they all loved so
deeply. His departure had crushed all of them in one way or another.
By the time our summer before senior year hit, I was their fifth and I liked having that kind of
camaraderie. Especially in a small town like Forks. And especially when your father was the chief of
police. Having Charlie Swan as your dad could really cramp your social life, if you let it.
All five of us had headed to State for college. Alice could have gone to the arts school farther away,
but she couldn't bear to be away from Jasper, so she took design at State. Emmett took Business
classes with Rose, and minored in Physical Fitness so that he could be a trainer on the weekends.
Rose minored in auto mechanics, which Emmett thought was pretty hot. Jasper ended up getting his
degree in Romantic languages and then decided at the last minute to become a masseur.
I, on the other hand, went into Psychology.
I'm what Charlie refers to as a 'problem solver'. He nicknamed me Lucy after the Peanuts character
because I would listen to people's problems and give advice; and I was good at it. It became
overwhelming when I realized that I was giving free sessions in college to dorm mates who just
'wanted to talk'. They'd end up lying on my lap on the couch and pouring their hearts out, and I'd
listen and comfort them. After a few months I got wise and started making them bring me payment
of sorts: chocolate, drinks, or bootleg copies of movies.
It was all honestly exchanged.
After I graduated I decided not to pursue being a Psychologist because I couldn't handle listening to
people whine all day, when they had no intention of putting my advice to work for them. It seemed
frivolous just to be a body to bounce words off of for a hundred dollars an hour. And my tender heart
couldn't handle molestation cases; so I opted for Psych Lite: Human Resources at McCarty Publishing.
I worked with books and proofreaders all day. I handled insurance paperwork, new hire orientation,
birthday cakes and noise complaints. Not a bad gig, in my opinion. McCarty was one of the only
offices hiring when we moved to Seattle after graduation. Emmett was in immediately, and after I
struggled to find a job for two months, he put in a good word for me.
I was hired just like that.
Alice ended up opening her own clothing boutique downtown. Jasper worked at a pricey Day Salon
and plastic surgery center. And Rose had taken both of her degrees and gotten a job at an auto parts
supplier. Turns out guys who like cars also like girls who have boobs.
She sold a lot of chrome last summer.
Which brings me back to where we all were now.
So, yeah. Making fun of Emmett's junk may not have been the best move right before heading out to
the office.
"Sorry, Emmalemadingdong. I meant no harm. I guess I got spoiled over the last week in Florida. I
didn't have to hear hot monkey sex every day and I got a little used to it." I smirked at him as I
finished my juice and rinsed the cup.
Emmett stood up and stretched, his underwear riding lower on his massive and chiseled frame. I
tried not to stare, but the underwear had dipped just a wee bit too low and I was getting an
unexpected peep show. He ran his hands through his short dark curls and then over his face. Smiling
broadly at me, his dark brown eyes twinkling, he winked. "You don't look like you really mind all that
much, Bees."
Rose cocked an eyebrow in my direction and I blinked my eyes, shaking my head back and forth.
"You're like my brother, Em. Get a frackin' life."
I pushed past Rose's almost six foot frame and watched her long blond hair sway as she moved out of
my way. Her blue eyes snapped to Alice's door as it opened slowly and she and Jasper emerged.
God only knows what the two of them had been doing in there, but the smell of incense was filling
the hallway and I covered my mouth to keep from gagging. Alice was hyper and high strung, but
Jasper was the exact opposite. He was working on bringing her stress levels down and she had
confided in me that they had taken to doing Zen poses and tantric sex to try and eliminate her excess
Now the apartment smelled like ass, sex and a bong shop.
And I was still the only one not getting laid.
This was exactly how I pictured my first day back from vacation. Exactly.
By the time I got to work, all I could think about was how much I wished I were still on vacation.
Visiting my mom Renee and her husband Phil had been really relaxing. Renee was all up in my
business about my love life, or lack thereof, but otherwise it had been a nice trip.
I unlocked my office door and reached across my desk to turn on my lamp as I heard Emmett walking
by and exclaiming, "That's so messed up! Those knob polishing critics have no sense of taste!" I hung
my head in defeat. That man was a walking HR issue.
When we were at work, I tended to avoid Emmett so that there wasn't any gossip about our
friendship. When we were home, though, I would wrestle with him like he was a brother. It was a
fine line to walk, but we'd made it work for almost two years now.
I booted up my computer and checked my inbox, biting my lip at the amount of email I had acquired
in five days' time. After an hour of shuffling and sorting, I had a throbbing headache and needed a
caffeine fix. Pronto.
I slid back from my desk and grabbed my favorite coffee mug before I headed down the hall to the
break room. I passed by the head of HR's office where Randall was sitting at his desk and talking
animatedly to a head of hair I had never seen before. My curiosity got the best of me and I kept
looking over my shoulder as I walked to try and get a look at the new guy.
Within seconds I was on my knees on the floor, looking up at Mike Newton grinning sheepishly at
"Bella, are you all right?" he laughed as he extended his hand to help me up. I looked down at the
ground and my heart sank as I saw that I had effectively broken my favorite mug.
I stood up and hung my head in mock sadness. "I broke my mug, dammit." I looked back up at Mike
as he continued to chortle. "I didn't break your face, did I?" I asked him while taking his cheeks in my
hands. I knew that my head had come into direct contact with his nose and I needed to cover my ass
before he filed Workman's Comp.
"I'm fine," he assured me as he bent over to grab the remains of my cup. He handed them back to me
and smiled. "Just another day in the life of the graceful Bella Swan, eh?"
I nodded and said I was sorry for ramming him with my head, then continued into the break room to
steal somebody else's mug. I searched the top shelves with my fingertips until I found one to use.
Filling my cup to capacity with sweetener and creamer, I sipped at the top before I tried to
concentrate on walking back to my office, all the while watching the creamy liquid crashing from side
to side and knowing deep down in my heart that I would never make it without a spill.
"Isabella," Randall's deep voice boomed from the hallway outside of his office. Startled, I turned
towards the sound of it and tripped on the carpet, sloshing the burning hot liquid in my stolen
Snoopy cup directly onto the front of my flimsy white shirt.
," I complained louder than I had meant to. There was a sharp intake of breath
and I looked up into the disapproving eyes of mybossandthemostbeautifuldeeppoolsofmossy
green irises I had ever seen.
The burning on my boobs was nothing compared to the new burn that was flaming up quickly
through my cheeks as I pulled the sticky coffee laden fabric from my chest.
Beautiful eyed man looked at me with concern.
I gave up trying to find any dignity in the situation and sighed, extending my hand to the new
"Isabella, this is Edward. He starts today and I've already given him a tour." Randall said tightly.
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